How Ghosting Someone is Hurting You and Attracting Dating Zombies

The Reason to Stop Ghosting For Good and Steps to Break the Bad Dating Habit

📷: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, 2009

Well, we’re still talking about it. Ghosting. The incurable dating trend is immune to all our anti-ghosting attempts. At this point in the dating trend cycle, most daters know it’s unhealthy. But bad habits die hard especially when they shield us from the terrifying thought of honest communication. Fear not so foreign to daters or anyone managing a relationship, romantic or not.

Avoidance is easy. It’s an addictive comfort that overrules our sound mind. Because let’s be honest, ghosting is simple. When we are too afraid to end a toxic relationship, break up with a situationship, or tell a date we’re not interested, not replying to someone takes minimal effort. And minimal self-awareness. Ghosting is avoiding strenuous thoughtfulness and feeling. The two things that help us effectively communicate and date with decency. 

Unfortunately, even with the extensive knowledge and toxic-notice plastered on ghosting, many daters still do it. Or have. Guilty as charged… Ghosting is one of the most common dating habits. What separates the did from the doers is the ability to recognize its harmfulness and to sit with the discomfort. It comes down to choosing your poison. Ghosting is discomfort disguised as momentary comfort. The safety net is fleeting. It doesn’t feel good to be the ghoster, just as much as it does to be ghosted.

Our moral compass knows ghosting is wrong. If not our morals, then the noise of our friends and the media around us. So, why do daters keep ghosting? It’s undoubtedly linked back to a ghoster’s fear of communication. There’s also a level of self-advocacy needed to speak our truths. But the most buried is our fear of cutting ties and not having someone, even if that person isn’t healthy for us.   

It seems we’ve tried all the tricks in our books to stop ghosting. Pre-written (even AI-written) anti-ghosting texts, guilt trips, and endless media coverage. But ghosting still exists… even the kindest people aren’t immune to its allure. 

So, how do we finally convince ourselves to stop ghosting?  

The hard truth. Ghosting is damaging us. It is stopping us from developing the communication skills that will lead us to the relationships we desire. Despite its protective shell, ghosting does more harm to us than we think. The repercussions keep us from growing, and we aren’t learning how to express our needs or feelings. Ghosting is a missed opportunity to create boundaries.

It leaves the door open for either party to rekindle the relationship, including the ghoster. Another dating trend is called zombieing. After an extended period, a person can reach back out to reconnect. Since neither party asked the other to not reach out (aka make a boundary), zombies have free rein. 

And a little piece of us may want to keep the door open for a zombie apocalypse. But why? To take three steps back into a toxic relationship or go on a date with someone we don’t align with? The person who feels the lasting effects is the ghoster. The ghosted finds closure alone, while the ghoster keeps tangled loose strings. 

But if we’re looking for a string that binds a healthy, lasting relationship, we need to cut ties with our ghosting habits and practice active communication. Even if that means sending that disappointing text…

Ready for tough self-love? Steps to stop ghosting… in a situationship, relationship, or early stages of dating.

1. Make a choice. Reflect on your intuition. What doesn’t feel right in the relationship versus what you’re looking for in a relationship? How do you want to be treated? Are you feeling aligned with this person? If the person or situation does not feel right, make a boundary. 

2. Send a closure text or have the conversation. Ask them to respect your space and not reach out. Cutting ties is hard, but it is a stepping stone towards what you want and deserve. 

3. You made the boundary! If they don’t respect your wishes and continue to reach out, you can choose to not reply or block their number. It’s not considered ghosting after communicating your needs. 

Practicing anti-ghosting, even after one or two dates, is a way to get comfortable with self-advocating. Whether it is good or bad, we are learning to communicate in a vulnerable dating space. Ghosting takes away that power, rather than giving it back. If you can’t think of any reason not to ghost, then think about you. Ghosting is selfish, but anti-ghosting is healthy selfishness. Don’t do it for you. 

Need support? Learn more about our Date Support Call or 1:1 Coaching to build and advocate for the relationships you deserve!