Is “Never Been in a Relationship” a Red Flag? No, Here’s Why.
The Misconception of Never Being in a Relationship + Questions to Ask Instead of Judging
📷: Never Been Kissed, 1999
Suddenly you’re 30, have never been in a relationship, and feel like Drew Barrymore standing in centerfield waiting to be relieved of the agony. It’s not like you haven’t tried. You’ve dated, kissed frogs, and even spent a few months trying to build something with a person who dropped the ball. You’ve been running through the bases, but your new teammate is not up to par.
So, you called it quits. Not because you don’t want a relationship, but because you know what the home run should feel like. And you’re not going to get there just to say you did. You know what you want and you’re not going to settle for less, especially when your efforts aren’t being matched.
You’re choosing to not be in a relationship because you don’t want to be in one just for the sake of it. If you’re going to be in a relationship, you want it to be healthy and right. And that the decision is commendable. It’s a sign of self-awareness, respect, and advocacy. You know what you want and you’re not afraid to fight for it.
But sadly, societal norms like to tell us the latter. The unrealistic timelines put on relationships and dating have made it nearly impossible to be historically single and sane. Unfortunately, judgment is so easily passed on to those who have never been in a relationship. The historically singles are too picky and incapable, while in reality, they’re the ones who know what it means to build something worthy of time.
Time is a social construct, and it remains true in relationships. Societal programmed minds see long-term relationships as an indicator of health. Similar to how the world stereotypically sees clothing size as a sign of physical health. When both small-minded conclusions simply aren’t true. There’s more to it than size.
An eight-month relationship can be healthy, while a five-year relationship can be toxic. People stay in unhealthy relationships, while others choose to stay single to avoid such toxicity (when they are lucky enough to see the signs earlier on). This is not judging those who stay in unhealthy relationships, but it’s another example of how we don’t know the full story until we ask.
Never being in a relationship isn’t proof someone can’t be in one. It might be the reason they’re the best candidate for it. Those who think it’s a red flag haven’t taken the time to ask why. And if you’re reading this wondering if you should end it with the person who’s never been in a relationship, simply because they’ve never been in a relationship, you may miss on something great.
Choose curiosity instead. Get to the meat and bones of someone’s dating experiences. This is where the connection starts.
Don’t call it out until you try asking these questions…
What have you learned about yourself while dating? What have you learned from your past dating experiences? What has stopped you from being in a long-term relationship? Is it an intentional choice?
And these aren’t questions you have to wait to ask. If it’s something you’re thinking about, get the information from the source, not from what society deems as correct. And if you’ve never been in a relationship, it’s up to you when you want to share that information. It’s your story and you can tell it when you’re ready. What matters is your honesty. It’s a part of what makes you, well, you. And if the other person can’t accept that, then it’s a red flag and a sign for you to move on.
The dating scene can be cruel, but it can also be empowering. Own your story. Never being in a relationship isn’t a red flag. It’s a green one if you’re honest about it. It’s not a weakness, it’s a strength. And you won’t settle for anything less than you deserve. Self-awareness is hot and so is self-advocacy. Never being in a relationship is a sign of your readiness. Ready for something great. Just like Drew Barrymore in centerfield. Some things are worth waiting for.
