Is it Normal to Have No Prospects, Crushes, or Situationships?

Loneliness vs Solitude. How to Tap into the Benefits of Solitude

📷: @stevie_jadee

Am I feeling lonely or is it just because I haven’t seen the sun in two weeks? The first month of 2024 has felt like a perpetual state of gloom unless you’re lucky enough to feel the giver of life. For most, an icy darkness brings a slowing social calendar. A harsh combo, when it seems all that can fuel our lack of Vitamin D, is socialization. But hibernation is settling in and so is the dating lull period.

Singles are finding themselves without prospects this season: no situationships, first date crushes, or even FWBs. The roster is quiet. The silence sounds off the lonely alarm. Is it normal not to have any leads in any romantic relationship? The simple answer is yes, but that won’t stop the intrusive thoughts from wondering why. For that, we must embrace the most unpredictable element of winter weather.

Loneliness. But backspace ten times and think of solitude. The intentional or unintentional time we spend alone with ourselves. An inevitable wave of our dating life that forms in the most inconvenient of times. When our friends are busy or out of town, it’s too cold to justify getting dressed up, or the trek to the bar feels like a journey through the tundra. All bringing us to a moment of solitude. The time when our peace is unbothered by impending texts we hope to receive. Other than our besties’ FaceTimes and parents’ life updates, we can take up most of our own mental energy. Not by that one person who won’t text us back. 

Solitude is the time we can change the trajectory of our dating life. We can reset our personal dating intentions, wants, and needs without the external noise. Reset, then readjust. With our emotional needs in check, we can become our very own advocate for them. Sounds peachy until the person you like is standing in front of you. But not to worry, solitude also teaches us our worth. Who’s better equipped to know that but us? 

Dating intentions, self-love, direction, and purpose become harder to define while our attention is on somebody new. It’s natural and doesn’t mark an end to our independence. Especially if we’ve already defined our needs with ourselves. Solitude is for experimentation with our thoughts and activities that make us happy as an individual. Tools that we can incorporate into the busier stages of our lives will inevitably return. Like its sister, solitude. Uncovering all the inner workings of our psyche feels mentally exhausting when we can just watch another episode of Gilmore Girls. But the outcome bodes much better than fixating on the lack of romantic leads or the avoidance of our solitude by watching another episode of Gilmore Girls.

How do we embrace solitude?

There’s no quick way to tap into the benefits of solitude. It’s uncomfortable and first resembles something like a can of worms. But each effort to understand ourselves makes us feel a bit more human. Better yet, helps us avoid situationships when we reenter the dating world. (More intentionally, I may add). Situationships only provide lessons to be used to create healthier future connections. Their alternative doesn’t have to be a committed monogamous relationship, either. We can choose to date casually, explore our sexuality, or be in a mutually agreed FWB. Also, we can intentionally be single and continue to develop our individuality. The point of solitude is to know what direction you want to follow. 

If you’re contemplating loneliness, switch the narrative and embrace the quiet moments of solitude. Starting with what you’re grateful for…

Uninterrupted sleep, time to start that hobby, read the book you bought a year ago, go anywhere whenever you want, shamelessly rewatch your favorite shows, your couch, the one interaction a day with your barista that makes you feel less like a hermit, and not having the existential dread of waiting for that text. 

Make a list or mental note. Maybe one less dramatic than the one above… 

Our life is already filled with feeling and worth without us seeking it elsewhere. The answer is you. So why not celebrate the fact we have nothing to do, but the things we keep saying we’ll do? 

Hang out with yourself.

Go to the movie everyone else has already seen but you, explore the new exhibit at your favorite museum, eat at the diner that makes your life feel idyllic, set the table, and make yourself dinner at home without your phone.

Create a connection by connecting with yourself. Build upon the space that makes you feel happy. Solo experiences allow us to see more detail in our lives than if we experience with company. Fewer distractions open our senses to our surroundings. How we interact with the community around us and see the smaller details of life. 

Connect with your community. 

Belonging doesn’t just come from our most intimate relationships. We become an active member of life by taking the time to develop peripheral relationships with those we see every week. Not our therapist, but our barista, doorman, dry cleaner, our shoe guy, or the dough guy (aka the pizza guy)

Seeing our daily life as something good can help us visualize the person we want to share the small details with. Why spend time in a situationship that doesn’t make you feel seen when your dry cleaner always lights up when you return for a chat with the pile of clothes you’ve been meaning to wash… 

Ready to take back control of your dating life? Get date support with our Pre or Post Date Support Calls or work with Stevie for 1:1 dating coaching!