I Don’t Mean to be a Bad Influence, But Slow Burn Relationships Are In.

Debunking the Newest Relationship TikTok Trend Creating Unrealistic Expectations

There’s another TikTok trend in town, yet again setting unrealistic relationship expectations. Despite the +900% year increase in the Google search of “slow burn relationships”, the fast-paced “spark” relationship is taking the algorithm’s attention with the “Don’t mean to be a bad influence” trend. A trend dedicated to couples sharing their quick relationship progressions from meet-cute to marriage, from moving in to becoming parents in six months. 

While these timelines are valid, this type of relationship progression is not common. Yet, as social media does, the frequency of the trend is creating a false narrative around love, sparking the conversation of “when you know, you know.” A tricky social phrase that encourages quick relationship timelines and invalidates those that develop at a slower pace. 

I liken “when you know, you know” to the controversial phrase “it will happen when you least expect it.” They both lead with a fantastical romanticism that is typically only spoken from the mouths of those who are in relationships. Not to say, these statements don’t have some truth, but life is just not that simple, nor are relationships. 

For some, a fast relationship timeline works, but for the many, a slow burn relationship allows room for sustainable growth and foundation building. People and relationships have layers of triggers, goals, expectations, and growth that take time to work through. By taking it slow, the relationship has space to breathe and develop organically. Time is an important element of understanding another person and the relationship you are building together. 

There’s a lot to discuss! Marriage, children, partnership, households, finances, goals, etc. Communication takes time! And sometimes finding a middle ground takes multiple conversations about one subject. We don’t want to rush the conversations of our lives. Many enter relationships hoping to stay in them forever. We don’t have a crystal ball, but we can at least start on the right foot on the right sturdy foundation block.

The House of Bricks poem, recently popularized by Jay Shetty and written about in Fiona Williams, The House of Broken Bricks, gives a stark analogy of building a relationship. Each brick represents the building blocks of a relationship. Both partners forged together their best bricks to build a strong foundational home for their love. Then, we mend the broken bricks with joint reconstruction. There may be cracks along the way, but the foundation of trust and communication keeps the walls strong. 

Have you ever built a real house before? I haven’t either, but I imagine it takes a while to build a dream home with all our unique requests. And sometimes we may need to compromise something for the entryway on our Pinterest boards.

Now saying all that, those who are in a fast-paced relationship might just build the same sturdy foundation. Though I would think their arms would get tired of moving all those bricks quickly! But the thing is, it may work for them. They have their timeline, and their conversations happen when it feels right for them. 

The crucial element missing in this new TikTok trend is that fast-paced relationships are not realistic for all. Just as they have valid timelines, so do those who embrace a slow burn relationship.

I get it. It’s hard to get all of that across in a 15-second video. But unfortunately, slow burn relationships aren’t as celebrated or trend-worthy. Relationship diversity isn’t always shown on social media, creating a hotbed for relationship comparison. The trendy relationships make going fast in a relationship something to aspire to. 

The effects can be damaging to people trying to find their unique pace in dating and new relationships. It makes a relationship feel somewhat unattainable when different relationships follow different timelines. In reality, there are no timelines we need to chase.

Okay so, everyone has their own right to develop their relationship timeline, but how do we deal with the comparison and triggers of seeing these videos?

We choose the content we want to consume. When you feel yourself questioning your values or relationship, pause and don’t engage. Stay aware of what you’re consuming and how it makes you feel. Once you realize a trend isn’t surviving you, scroll past similar videos that come up. We also always have the option to block, mute, or unfollow accounts that don’t align with us. 

We must build the willpower to stop consuming the content that causes us to spiral or grow anxious. Just like our relationship timelines, we can choose how we engage. Don’t let relationship comparison control your feed. If you find dating/relationship advice from social media, seek creators that speak to your personal values and goals. 

Follow your gut and your timeline. It’s your right!