“The Spark” vs. Slow Burn. How to Know If a Connection Is Real
What “The Spark” Means on Dates and How Slow Burn Dating Creates Lasting Relationships
We date hoping to find a unique connection with someone. It’s not guaranteed each first date will foster such a connection, but when it does, we’re flushed with emotions that take us down the river of possibility. Since connections don’t come around so often, these possibilities immediately excite us for the next date. There’s a spike of interest that leaves us giddy. But where it gets tricky is understanding the difference between a healthy connection and a fleeting surge of lust.
First dates are both meaningful and superficial. They tell us everything and yet nothing at all. With only a few hours to decide if this person is worth more of our time, we search for any signs of a connection. The race against time causes us to rely on superfluous gestures we can quickly identify. It’s the culprit of the very thing that we’re told to look for. The spark.
What is “the spark”?
The spark is the feeling we’re taught tells us we’ve met the one. An aha-moment. The adrenaline rush that leaves us paralyzed in time. A moment unpierceable by reality because, unfortunately, it’s not realistic. The spark is a feeling outside of our bodies, almost inhuman. It is the underlying message of films, romance books, and advice from our too-far-removed friends in relationships. All telling us this spark is the single most important moment that will launch a fairytale relationship.
Juiced up with the burning desire to possess such a novel feeling, we unconsciously look for it. The spark feels like the most logical solution to the first date conundrum—knowing our date is the one within the date’s time limit. An objective that may lead us down a road of toxic spark addiction.
Because “the spark” is just a shot of dopamine.
Contrary to popular belief, the spark is not a one-way ticket to happily ever after. Instead, it can create unhealthy dating and relationship patterns and expectations. Once we feel “the spark”, we continue to crave it with the person we felt it with. Eventually, reality catches up with us when the dopamine high fades and we see the person for who they are. Still searching for that spark, we head out again, chasing that feeling. Because we’re told that’s what represents connection.
A spark is quick and deceiving. It often can get confused with a gut feeling or intuition. It makes us believe that one all-consuming feeling equals connection. But dating and relationships are more than one moment. They are a compilation of experiences, learning about each other, vulnerable conversations, and trust. All found with time. The one thing a spark doesn’t consider.
Though it feels good to feel immediately drawn to someone, relying solely on “the spark” can be detrimental. If we do, each time we spend time with this person, we will be endlessly hoping to experience the feeling again. We’re so blinded by the high, we remove ourselves from the moments that matter—the time spent learning about this new person.
How do we stop searching for “the spark” without giving up the meaning of connection?
The spark is simply an exchange of energy. It’s an intangible feeling that something is right. But this can be true for other people and things outside of romantic relationships. A place, a friend, or an alternative career path can all trigger that same feeling. It is our intuition telling us to continue to pursue this person, place, or idea.
Meeting someone for the first time can stimulate an abundance of important emotions. Ones that don’t trigger a dopamine high. Vetoing “the spark” doesn’t mean we’re not prioritizing a connection. Instead of looking for one feeling outside of ourselves, we’re tuning into how we internally feel. Thus, leaning into our intuition—the secret formula to mindful dating.
How do we differentiate “the spark” from our intuition?
A genuine connection with a date makes us feel comfortable and calm. There’s an ease of conversation and an almost familiar rapport. These balanced feelings can sometimes feel boring and uninviting. Especially if we’re used to associating connection with overstimulation. Many times, we miscategorized the date as something more friendly. We think something more romantic should feel instantaneously electric. But that comes with time.
Disassociating from “the spark” takes practice and constant self-awareness. The old “spark” belief taught us to see calmness as a friend zone and overwhelming compatibility as romantic. But sparks are quick. They ignite suddenly and burn out unexpectedly, leaving us confused and disappointed. Feeling the spark with someone doesn’t mean the relationship will be lust. The trick is using the sparkly as an invitation to slow down and try a more sustainable, slow burn.
What is slow-burn dating?
Slow burn dating builds the foundation of connection. It’s taking the time to learn about another person by taking each experience as it comes. Slow burn is the art of not rushing. Those “boring” feelings we spoke about before are signs of a potentially healthy slow burn relationship. A calming space on a date is the foundation for continued openness and communication.
Instead of searching for “the spark”, notice how comfortable you are with this person. Can you be yourself? Are they kind? Do they share similar goals? Waiting for “the spark” to reveal itself wastes precious date time. Focus on being present with your date and not writing off them because it’s missing the Cinderella moment. A good date isn’t defined by one feeling. It’s a combination of everything you saw and learned.
Slow burn dating takes patience and optimism. The first step in learning how to date slowly is by giving the non-sparkly date another chance. People open at different speeds, as do relationships. If the date felt good, use the next date to explore a new connection. After two or three dates, you’ll have more clarity on the type of energy between you. Healthy relationships don’t come quickly. They bloom with effort and consistency on both sides. A moment doesn’t make a lifetime. So, next time you dismiss a good date because it lacked the spark, think about the person. Did they make you feel comfortable?
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