How to Find Success with Dating Apps and Not Hate Them So Much

Oversaturated, but Not Useless. Balancing Dating Apps with Meeting IRL

📷: Thanos Pal

Nowadays, we hear the words “dating app” and unconsciously cringe in response. The reaction is universal from those who once experienced the algorithm, daters currently enduring the exhausting swipe and the “lucky” ones who merely hear the stories while sending praises up above. Dating apps’ reputations are down bad and the trending rise of their new opponent, single IRL events, is proving daters are done with the finger aches.  

Done, but not deleted. As much as dating apps are being dragged in the mud, their relevance is still viable. Yes, the market is over-saturated, and the paywalls are disappointing, but there is something to be said for their reach, and dare I say, success stories—the flickering light at the end of the tunnel that makes dating apps tolerable. Sure, it’s dimming, but there are benefits redeemable for daters, if they dare to dabble in the algorithm. 

In this dating app boycott climate, there’s a big possibility you're eye-rolling at my dating app support. Especially as a dating coach. Well, that’s because, 

I don’t hate dating apps. 

How can I when I met my now partner on them? Skim through a few of my other columns and you’ll find I’m an advocate for the little devils (even before I met my partner). To be clear, I disapprove of the outrageous payment plans, exclusive membership gibberish, and their addiction coded tendency. But I’ve always said dating apps don’t control us; we control the dating apps. 

Like every element in our dating lives, we have control over what dating apps we use, how we show up, and how often we want to engage with them. If at all. It’s a dating preference, just like the preferences you put down for your prospective partner. We all date differently. It’s understanding what works best for us and our mental and emotional capacity. 

There’s enough shame in the dating world without the shame of using dating apps or vice versa. It’s preference based. Introverted daters may find dating apps more approachable, while an extrovert finds them suffocating, who is an ideal candidate for singles IRL events. Not to say an introverted dater can’t find their rhythm with the event crowd. I encourage my introverted daters to date outside of their comfort zone. 

Because there is more than one way to meet someone. Technology has just provided us with another option. The most important word there is, option. Dating apps shouldn’t be a solo act. We should use them in tandem with single IRL events, community engagement, friends, and the hardest, but simplest, being open to the interaction we have throughout our day. But as dating apps shouldn’t be a solo act, we also shouldn’t pair one with another app. 

We should utilize dating apps moderately, and one at a time.

Mindfully and independently of each other. Dating apps are dating fatigues, best friends, and getting stuck in the endless swiping trap is real. The apps are designed to keep you swiping and coming back for more. But the first step to taking back the reigns is choosing one dating app and sticking with it. Your choice can be based on your current dating intentions, like committed relationships or sexual exploration. They can be determined by cost or app niches, such as LGBTQ+ focused or interest related. Haven’t you heard? The dating app market is over-saturated. Meaning the limit of options doesn’t exist. But our self-awareness does, so let’s pick one. 

Unsure what dating app to use? We have a mini breakdown of a few here, but a good place to start is knowing your dating intentions. Looking for relationships, Hinge or Bumble is a good starting point. Trying to explore your sexuality, go to Feeld. A gym bro and proud, give Lunge a go. Need friend support, Fourplay loves a double date moment. But if you’re sick of shopping, there is one that stands out from the crowd.

Unsponsored, bar none. 

Hinge. 

This isn’t based on my Hinge success story, but on those I’ve heard from passersby, friends, and clients. As a dating coach, I often get asked what my favorite dating app is. I’ve been tottering with the answer. Well, firstly because I usually say Hinge and it doesn’t spark much controversy. That could be because it’s somehow universally known in the dating world to be the most reliable. But for someone who likes to shake it up with her views, it felt sort of boorish. Then I heard a girl telling a sales associate in Sephora how she met her boyfriend on Hinge and my answer suddenly felt more human. 

We’re all looking for something real. A connection that breaks the firewall of societal expectations and social media rules. And somehow, the conversations around Hinge felt the most universally, relatively positive. Sure, we don’t love it. But if we’re playing the app game, we might as well play it with an app that has consistent findings of how to outsmart its algorithm. The latest—press “X” on all your roses. (Aka, the people you’re actually interested in, but don’t want to pay for the rose for. What is this the bachelorette?) Don’t worry, the algorithm will think you don’t like them and put them in your normal feed.

It's ridiculous. The dating app game. I can’t hate on them without sounding hypocritical. I can’t like them without sounding insensitive. So, we decide when we want them in our lives, how often we want to see them and decide how much space we want them to take up in our dating lives. It’s called boundaries. The same ones we use in our Earth-side relationships. We can’t please everyone, like not all dating apps can please us. Choose your fighter and train it to work for you, not at you. Or decide dating apps aren’t for you. Just be sure you’re ready to put that dating effort into singles events, your community, or staying open to meeting people IRL. Dating takes effort. You just have to decide what you do with it 

So, will we ever be rid of dating apps? Probably not. Do we want to get rid of them? Probably not…