What to Say to End a Situationship Without Being the “Bad Guy”

How to End Things in the Early Stages of Dating. Texts, Phone Calls, and In-Person Breakups

📷: @stevie_jadee

Sometimes it doesn’t work out. Despite the time, effort, and commitment to see where it goes, our inner compass is telling us this isn’t the relationship for us. In many cases, it’s no harm, no foul. No ill words. You genuinely had a good time dating this new person. Dates were fun and chats flowed, but as time went on, chemistry waned. Maybe it’s not even a matter of chemistry? Your values or future goals don’t match. Aka, your intuition is rumbling in your gut. 

It's time to leave, but how? When everything else seems peachy in the early stages of dating, it’s easy to fall into the trap of staying in it for the idea of a relationship. Especially if our intentions are to date for a relationship. It's difficult to say goodbye to someone who is kind, easy to get along with, and, well, does the bare minimum of being a good human. However unaligned futures and mismatch values can override these green flags. And intuitions have a sneaky way of making us listen, even when we ignore the signs as long as possible.

Call it what you want: situationships, early stages of dating, or dating relationships. There comes a moment when we must decide the next step. The epiphany to end something comes at different times. If we’re stuck in a revolving door situationship, it may take us longer to come to terms with the end. These people have become a part of our daily lives for better or worse. Clarity isn’t as forthcoming. Now, if we’re in the early stages of dating, inching towards the exclusivity talk. The epiphany may have a quicker arrival, but the decision to end it can be harder to admit.  

If your mind or gut is at war with your heart, here are signs the situationship or person you're dating may not be the relationship for you.

• Your future goals aren’t aligning with them, and there are not many overlaps. (Ex: family goals, lifestyle (urban/rural/travel), timelines.)

• Their values and belief system don’t sit right with you. (Friendships, family values, or community involvement)

• Physical attraction begins to feel forced.

• You shared your needs or expressed concern about their behavior, but they haven’t shown action to adjust to meet your needs.

• Communication has slowed. There is a lack of consistency that feels manageable for both of you.  

• Despite the good, the thought of a future relationship with them leaves you feeling anxious. You struggle to visualize how your lives will intertwine.  

Red flags and toxic behavior aren’t the only signs a relationship isn’t right for you. Unfortunately, we can connect with someone but do not have the right compatibility to build a relationship. It simply just doesn’t work. Blame it on bad timing, but our gut never lies. Not if we listen correctly. 

So, either you’ve skipped to this part of the article or coming to terms that it’s time to end the situationship, but the moment has arrived. It’s time to end the situationship. Getting here wasn’t easy, but it feels right. Trust that it is. To reduce the anxiety of being the “bad guy,” here are a few tips for how to break it off and what to say to end a situationship.

If communication and connection are fading in the early stages of dating…

Send a kind and thoughtful text. If phone call communication or needs/expectations are not established, opting for a text can be more productive than a phone call. However, in the text, thank them for their time and state how lovely it has been to get to know them. Express your reason for ending it, but give them the option to call you if they need call closure. 

If expectations and exclusivity were recently discussed in the early stages of dating…

Ask to schedule a specific time to call and discuss the relationship. In the pre-text, share the intention for the phone call to allow them a moment to collect their thoughts and find a secure place to take the call. Prepare your reasoning to end it, but also acknowledge both of your roles. Don’t play the blame game. You’ve already made your decision to end it. There’s no need to rub more dirt on the fresh wound. But also, be open to their feedback. We can all grow, and their perspective may teach you something about yourself you can bring to your next relationship.

If you’re in a long-term situationship… 

Schedule a time to meet in person in a private space with no distractions. Likely, you will also benefit from being face-to-face with your situationship. Time has passed and different experiences and conversations have led up to this point. Before reaching out to meet, understand what these mean to you. Sometimes we don’t need to pin specific moments to discuss during the break-up, but what these experiences represent. This can be a misalignment in values, future goals, or a lack of needs being met. Keep the environment non-judgmental as possible. Even if their actions are seeded with toxicity, you’ve already decided to end it. The purpose of this chat is to provide you both space to begin the closure process. (Closure doesn’t come from the other person, it comes from you.) In the conversation, start by expressing how you’ve reflected on the relationship and how “XYZ” isn’t aligning with your ultimate relationship goals. Acknowledge the good, but also share the reasons why it’s not a match. Be sure to invite them to share their thoughts on what you just said. Be open to feedback, but stay steadfast in your decision. Protect your peace. 

If your situationship isn’t willing to meet in person, suggest a phone call instead. If not a phone call, then opt for a finalizing text. Take their resistance as hard proof that you’ve made the right decision. Then allow the healing to begin. 

*Please note the suggestions are situation-based. These tips may not translate to different levels of attachment or toxic situationships. If you need more immediate support, book a 1:1 Coaching Session with Stevie to create the best way for you to end a situationship that no longer serves you. 

Need Date Support? Book a Date Support Call or work with Stevie 1:1 to become the advocate for your needs and the dating life you deserve!