Is it Okay to be Needy in a Relationship?
In the hidden back rooms of Empire Stores in Brooklyn last weekend, I found myself in the low-lit library of Dumbo House. I treaded claimed territory as a non-member socializing in a room full of creatives and cool people. Whether it was my ~ spiritual ~ necklace that charmed the West Village bro or my obvious non-member vibe, I found myself in a discussion of dating with the Employees Only regular.
Our conversation weaved and bobbed, discussing the effervescent NYC dating scene exchanging stories of dates past. To collect data on his eligibility, West Village bro asked what traits I looked for in a partner. My mind doesn’t work in black-and-white terms, so my reply was vague enough to keep him interested. In exchange for courtesies, I ask him about his. After his descriptions of women, I have yet to encounter; he ended with the trait ~ not needy.
My half-listening ears perked. Not needy? Is that a trait men are looking for? My mind sang Ariana Grande’s Needy, as he further explained the idea of dating a woman who is not needy. Self-sufficient, independent, and has the ability to solve her own dilemmas. All admirable traits. But shouldn't we be a little needy in our relationships?
Need is a part of any relationship in controlled amounts. Friendships, partnerships, and family relationships all function simply by being there for each other. I think we’d all be cheating ourselves if we said it doesn’t feel nice to be needed sometimes. It strengthens the relationship when people allow us to be there for them. Give and take are the two key ingredients of any relationship operation.
How do we build trust when we don't lean on one another?
West Village bro’s non-needy requirement doesn’t quite fit the bill for a healthy functioning relationship. Leading a single life seems more sufficient if one doesn't want to be needed. I don’t know this guy from Adam. He may be happy with his single, Employees Only regular status and isn’t looking for anything deeper than a casual dating relationship. If that’s the case, he doesn’t want to be needed. But, if he doesn’t want to be needed in a steady relationship, the relationship will wobble.
A relationship is about having a shoulder to lean on. Sure, you don’t lean on it until the other falls over. There’s a balance. A shoulder for a shoulder. Claiming to not want a needy partner takes your shoulder out of the race. Maybe they don’t want to lend a shoulder, or maybe they can’t take the extra weight? In that case, the red flag is being needy. It’s not wanting to be needed. In relationships, sometimes we all just need a shoulder to cry on. And sometimes our shoulder is the one that’s needed. It doesn’t need to be perfectly curved or soft. It can be boney and jagged, but there.
A common list of desirable partner traits doesn’t include the word needy. However, not needy isn’t written in our notes app, either. Being too needy is a red flag, like wanting to be needed too much, is one? We can’t have one without the other and you can’t have any type of relationship without them. The level of neediness is a preference. We can’t erase the verb from the relationship dictionary completely. Maybe the question is how much we want to be needed and how much we need. It’s a balance we each have to find for ourselves. What’s the point of having a shoulder if we don’t share it with our partners or friends?
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