How to Discuss Exclusivity in Relationships Before Assuming Monogamy
What is “assumed monogamy”? Tips for starting the conversation of monogamy.
There’s more than one way to be in a relationship. With more open conversations about monogamy, polyamory, and casual dating, people are dating with fluidity, exploring what works for their needs. Daters can indulge in the physical and mental pleasures of creating connections on their own terms. Yet, as society learns to embrace the many forms of relationships, the increasing need for conversation between daters becomes crucial.
When we start dating someone new for an extended period, exclusivity and monogamy topics come into play. Relying on dating apps’ “looking for” features isn’t enough to ensure all players want the same things. If we’ve met IRL, the answer is less foreseen. Discussing monogamy in a new relationship, whatever its form, is difficult. The conversation is the best candidate for procrastination. But avoiding the topic doesn’t stop feelings from developing.
For those with monogamy tendencies, these feelings can start the act of assumed monogamy. As a relationship develops, it’s natural to give your undivided attention to someone sharing ourselves sexually and emotionally. All without acknowledging it to the partner—assuming they are doing the same. A tale as old as time. One that many have been the main character of. Assumed monogamy is a slippery slope to deepened heartbreak and toxicity. But both can be avoided by understanding assumed monogamy, learning the signs, and finding the confidence in starting the exclusivity conversation.
So, what is assumed monogamy?
Assumed monogamy is acting emotionally, physically, and sexually faithful to another person without acknowledgment from all partners in the relationship. One person is acting as though they are in a monogamous relationship. Individual feelings or monogamous dating habits cause them to only date their partner without talking about monogamy in the relationship. Neither partner has discussed exclusivity.
Here's the problem with assumed monogamy.
Assuming one is monogamous in a relationship before speaking to their partner can cause emotional issues. Acting exclusively in a relationship that hasn’t been deemed exclusive makes room for unintentional cheating and dishonesty. Healthy relationships are built on honest communication. Assumed monogamy breaks that foundation.
A relationship can become toxic. The person acting monogamous may get caught in no-man's-land—unsure of the other’s feelings and feeling stuck. After assuming monogamy for a period, then finding out the other partner has not been doing the same is a hotbed for disagreement and heartbreak. Each partner in the relationship was not given an opportunity to share their relationship desires and goals for the current relationship. The only thing left is the start of the blaming game. You’ve been seeing each other every other night… but there was no discussion of exclusivity in the relationship…
How to talk about exclusivity in relationships.
We can avoid assumed monogamy by learning how to listen to our feelings and finding confidence in them. Often, daters have assumed monogamy in the past or present, including myself. Conversations of exclusivity fall into the category of hard relationship conversations. Knowing when and how to have the conversation takes practice.
Signs it’s time to have the conversation…
You feel less inclined to open dating apps. Other match conversations are slow, and you don’t have any urge to reply.
You’re out at a bar or dinner and you have no interest in people there. The only relationship priority at the moment is seeing the person you’re dating.
The relationship has developed. You are consistently seeing the other person—spending nights at each other’s place, meeting friends, attending events together, nights in, etc.
The future of the relationship is coming up in conversations—you’re romanticizing alone about your potential future with them.
Finding the confidence to start the conversation…
It’s never easy being the one to bring up exclusivity, but there’s power in doing so. Before sparking up the conversation, take time to journal about your feelings. Talk to a therapist, your closest friends, or a family member, to work through the emotions. Figure out what your near goals are for the current relationship. Feeling confident in your feelings allows you to have more control over the narrative. You’ll be able to articulate your thoughts with your partner. The nerves will still be there, but the words will be easily found.
Unfortunately, we don’t have control over how the other person will react or say. If we speak our truth, we can be confident in our feelings despite the next steps in the relationship. Be open to what your partner has to say.
Remember, exclusivity doesn’t equal a “serious” relationship.
All relationships develop at their own pace. The decision to be exclusive with someone doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is “serious.” Learning about the other person takes time. Allowing space for the relationship to grow is important for building a sturdy foundation. Being exclusive is the first step in developing a healthy monogamous relationship—if that is what all partners want.
Deciding to be exclusive, in simple terms, is saying you both are ready to see where the relationship goes. All partners acknowledge their participation in the relationship and set healthy boundaries to build upon. Honesty and open communication are the healthy starting point for any level of relationship.
You’re not alone in assuming monogamy and exclusivity in your relationships. There is no shame in doing so. What’s important is how we learn from it. Talk about exclusivity for yourself. Vulnerability is scary, but it is the best thing we can do for ourselves. It can save us from ongoing toxic relationships or start us on a journey to a new, healthy one.
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