Why Am I Being Asked About My Longest Relationship?
Dos and Don’ts of the “Longest Relationship” Question & Navigating Questions About Dating Pasts on a Date or in a New Relationship.
Time and time again, dating has been unjustly compared to interviewing. We ask 20 questions, review the answers, then decide if we fit each other’s desired partner description. It’s a narrative I have been challenging because when we focus on the questions, we miss the present and the person sitting across from us.
The 20 questions game is a standard questionnaire filled with inquiries into our past, present, and future. In approximately one hour, we’re expected to cover our childhood traumas, personality charts, and relationship Rolodex. With one capricious subject, in particular, questions about our dating past. A controversial topic that has daters running for a life of solidarity.
Speaking about our dating past is personal. The topic is always up for debate—should it be discussed during any stage of a relationship? That’s determined by the couple. In the realm of open communication, talking about our dating past should naturally flow into a conversation. This allows each partner to peel away the vulnerable parts of themselves at an approachable pace for both players.
However, because of our personal relationship wounds, or the belief that learning about the other’s past will act as a crystal ball for our new relationship, people are asking THE relationship question before even making a date…
How long was your longest relationship?
It’s said the answer to the question will show your date’s level of commitment. The longer their relationship was with their ex, the more likely they’re willing to enter a long-term relationship with you and keep it. For those looking for commitment, the question seems legit, but what the question doesn’t answer is how healthy that long-term relationship was. We can open pandora’s box and see questions unanswered about their own mental health, their ex-partners’ mental health, the relationship dynamic, and what stage of life they were in. The reality of relationships is someone can be in a three-year relationship, and it can be unhealthy.
Should I ask my date/partner about their longest relationship and when should I ask?
You don’t have to ask if the new relationship is progressing with open communication. The question will answer itself in time. Learning about a new person is a slow burn. As we become comfortable with each other, we share our vulnerable side. We divulge our past in segments for others to interpret and piece together the person we are now. If you feel you must ask, do not before you meet (via dating apps or texts) or on a first date. You are only holding yourself back from enjoying the present connection with the person. We don’t like to admit it, but we have expectations for answers. If our date doesn’t reply in the way we hope, then the date is a wash. The one thing you’ll remember is the disappointing answer about their past and you’ll forget the person they are now. Ask about their relationship with their friends instead.
Why do I feel intimidated when asked about my longest relationship?
Dating is not a competition, though many view it to be. Time is but a construct our generation likes to say, and dating is no exception. For those who have not yet been in a long-term relationship, it can feel degrading to be asked past dating questions, only for your date to say they’ve been in multiple long-term relationships. Though they may not mean to, they give off a sense of superiority in the dating department. It is simply not true. One can be in many long-term relationships but have yet to master what it means to be in a healthy one.
How should I answer the longest relationship question?
Trust in your own inner work and your belief in your healthy dating habits. Dating is a journey of discovery to our inner self. Each relationship and date teach us lessons. Lean into the life lessons you’ve learned. Be confident in your answer, even if it’s only six months. Maybe instead of staying in a toxic relationship, you made the healthier decision to end it early. Not everyone has that luxury.
Unfortunately, questions about our past relationships won’t go away. They don’t need to disappear. Daters are just confused about when to ask them and when to let them answer themselves. The thing we have control over is how we let these questions affect us. If the questions your date is asking aren’t sitting right, that’s a sign they may not be the one. In the end, you’re in control of your dating narrative—how you answer the questions and when is up to you. You are you, and the people you date will like you for who you are now. Not who you were then.
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