Is Talking About My Relationship with Friends Hurting My Dating Life?
The new wave of quiet dating. Who, what, and when to tell your friends about your relationship.
📷: @stevie_jadeeWhat’s the first thing you do after a date? If it was good, you’re probably walking home with a couple of butterflies trailing behind. If it was bad, you may try to forget it ever happened the moment you leave the table. Well, we shouldn’t block it out completely or we may bury a few dating lessons prematurely. But despite the outcome of our date, there’s one thing we’re almost always doing: texting our friends.
They’ve probably received the predate breakdown of your date’s dating app profile, helped prep your date look, and wished you luck on the departure. It only feels natural to make them privy to the date recap. Besides, discussing your dating life with your friends isn’t a new concept. We’ve been practicing this ceremony for centuries. If Bridgerton was right about anything, it’s that the dating world talks. But now, dating research is telling us to stop.
Aka, we should stop talking to our friends about our dating life. Sounds impossible when it’s become a reoccurring topic on the girl’s night agenda. An avid date recap girl myself, I’ve always believed in the importance of having a friend to share your dating life with. Dating is a universal experience. Sharing experiences helps us feel less alone, but it comes with boundaries. Especially when causal dating becomes a committed relationship.
But when do we know when to ask for a friend’s advice and when to not?
According to a Hinge Lab study, 80% of Gen Z daters said it’s important to seek advice from friends. But it’s followed up with 86% of Gen Z daters claiming to not have complete clarity from their friend's advice. It seems our friends hold great meaning to us, but don’t hold all the answers. Just think about the Sex and the City episode when Carrie obsessively discusses her breakup with Big. Everyone gets annoyed and advises her to seek professional advice. “It’s like the blind, leading the blind,” Samantha says with loving bluntness.
Our friends may hold emotional space for us, but they aren’t experts in our dating lives. It’s not their fault. We all have various perspectives on dating and approach this part of our lives differently. What your friends say and do may not align with your goals or dating intentions. It’s like the tale as old as dating times: the dating advice that says not to ask your friends how to text your crush. Because then you’re showing their personality, not yours. Plus, texting is rarely that deep.
Not asking our friend’s dating advice follows a similar rule. The decision to take our friend’s advice may not lead us down the path that feels the most authentic to us, leaving us more confused. TikToker and podcaster Kim Ndubizu coined the term “quiet dating” adding to the theory by actively choosing not to tell her friends about her dates. For her, the dating approach removes the desire to overthink the dating experience.
But should we all stop cold turkey from talking to our friends about our dating life?
Well, not quite. It’s knowing who to discuss it with, the person whose opinion you respect, and how much detail you’re willing to share comfortably. All while understanding how heavily affected you are by other’s opinions of your dating and relationship choices. Dating is an important element in our lives. With our friends and crushes bound to intersect as dates progress into relationships, it’s expected and healthy to discuss our dating life in some capacity.
Know the details you want to share and the ones to keep between you and your partner (or the person you're dating).
In the early stages of dating, we navigate many dating unknowns and new situations. All the while being filled with the excitement and fear of a new connection. It's overwhelming to detangle all our thoughts, let alone trust our intuition with love. But the early stages can be a great place to practice self-confidence and trust. Many of the answers we seek are already in ourselves. It’s more about accessing the tools to help us find them.
Before raising the dating topic with friends, first process the situation yourself. This can be through journaling, quiet time, or meditation. Knowing how you feel creates a shield from other’s opinions. Next, ask yourself if there is anything you haven’t yet resolved internally. If so, is there a professional who can help you find more clarity on the subject? Discussing with a dating coach or medical professional keeps the focus on you rather than letting your friends’ challenges seep into your own. Whether they mean to or not.
We’re talking about challenging obstacles, but what about the good details? Sharing the happy and exciting details of a date or new relationship with friends can be therapeutic. And, in times, validating if we’re struggling to accept this new happiness. As long as we’re not oversharing for the sake of finding security, we haven’t yet found with our new partner. If that’s the case, we should practice communicating our needs with the person we’re dating, not our friends.
Choose one or two friends you trust to share your dating life with.
Good or bad, talking to a friend whom we respect and trust can be beneficial. If we’re lucky enough, having a friend who encourages us to grow and respects our opinions is the perfect choice to share our dating life (the details we’ve first processed ourselves) with. It’s important to have a non-judgmental space to not only be sad but also excited about the future. And this doesn’t have to only be when we’re dating. Sharing our dating intentions and new dating approaches/perspectives can help us build confidence when we practice them IRL. It also can help manifest the relationships and dating experiences we desire. When we incorporate them into our lives now, it becomes easier for our goals to settle into the lifestyle we already have. Dating and romantic relationships should be a positive addition to our current lives.
Get comfortable with your vulnerability and intuition.
At the end of the day, the person that matters the most in your dating life is you. It’s easy to become distracted by external noise and the sounds of our friend’s chatter. But there is a significant benefit to taking the time to get comfortable with your feelings, goals, and choices you’ve made and going to make. No one knows you better than yourself. Lean into that power by trusting the work you’ve put into yourself. Instead of asking your friends what you should do, tell them what you did or plan to do. Use your trustworthy friend for accountability. The right friend will encourage you to follow your gut and cheerleader you through the situation without forcing their opinions on you.
Trusting your intuition is easier said than done. Unfortunately, but also fortunately, you’ll face a few things about yourself or the past you may not like. But taking the time to understand them will make you an expert in your thoughts and feelings. You’ll discover boundaries, fresh perspectives, self-soothing tools, and confidence boosters. All stored inside of you to help you through your next dating challenge.
Sometimes we overshare, and other times we undershare. There’s no perfect formula. As you continue to date and those dates turn into relationships, you’ll learn what details to share and whose ears are worthy of them. If you’re unsure what to put on next week’s girls’ night agenda, try asking about each other’s career goals or new hobbies. Maybe even experience something new together as a group. We’re more than our romantic relationships. Explore the other parts of yourself with the friends you love.
Need Date Support? Book a Date Support Call or work with Stevie 1:1 to become the advocate for your needs and the dating life you deserve!