Four Healthy Reminders to Calm Break-Up Shame

Situationships, new relationships, long-term partnerships, or even friends with benefits are sometimes the hardest topics to bring up with friends and family. It is daunting telling someone about a new prospect, let alone telling them a few months later that it’s over. Dating and relationships are personal, and everyone has different comfort levels for sharing the juicy details.

Some people function like an open book–feeling free to discuss relationship developments or milestones with whoever is eager to listen. Some call it oversharing, others call it confidence in their life decisions. On the opposite end of the spectrum, daters keep their love life on lockdown, only sharing important details with those most worthy of the information. Privacy is key, and maybe you sit somewhere in between the sliding scale. 

Whether we told one person or the entire crew about our new interest, we can’t escape the gut-swirling feeling of turning around and saying it didn’t work out. Dating is an inevitable rollercoaster. It’s like walking into a theme park deciding what ride to enjoy next. As much as we’re sure about what we’re getting ourselves into, the new shiny rollercoaster can leave us feeling unstable. With each dip and dive, our emotions are lifted off the ground. We leave reality and find ourselves in uncharted skies. 

It's normal to feel the dopamine effects of a new relationship.

Fresh possibilities and new discoveries keep us on our toes. The sweetness is too good not to share. And we should feel comfortable doing so. Friends who have our best interests at heart want to know the details we’re willing to give. A friend who is comfortable with themselves won’t feel deterred by our joy. They’ll relish in the excitement with you in the same way they will hold you up when your wobbly legs lose balance when the ride ends.

Believing no one is judging at the end of a relationship or situationships is easier said than done. The shame you’re feeling directly connects to how you’re feeling internally. It’s a reflection of what you’re working through. Those feelings belong to you and no one else. They are valid because they are yours. Telling close family or friends about a break-up can be cathartic. Though sometimes difficult, they can provide the insight you haven’t considered.

The trickiest part of a breakup is telling everyone else you told. Acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, your barista because they saw you both together that morning... It’s the normal life interactions where we feel the most embarrassed. Depending on how often we see our everyday acquaintances, the fallout can last months. Though you may have another suitor in tow by the time the night doorman sees you next… 

Feeling breakup shame is natural. Ending a situationship, relationship, or FWB is never easy, so we pulled together four reminders to help ease the embarrassment of that said break-up.

1. You are not required to tell anyone about your breakup.

   Sure, you should probably reach out to your best friend when you feel ready, but you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s not a requirement to share the sad parts, because you opened up about the good ones. 

2. Everyone has been through some level of breaking up.

   A summer fling or mini situationship still fosters disappointments when it ends. Each dater has experienced a similar emotion. Daters are empathetic, even if they don’t show it.

3. No one knows the details of the relationship except you.

   Even if you’re an open book, the people who know the intricate situations are you and the other person in the relationship. Everyone else’s opinion is only based on the information given to them or what they’ve observed. You know the truth, trust in your decisions.

4. People aren’t thinking about your break-up as much as you think.

   It’s a hard pill to swallow, but those acquaintances don’t care as much as you think. Of course, kind people want the best for you, but chances are they have dating lives of their own to worry about. The break-up lives freely in your mind, but not theirs. Good people want you to be happy if they find out directly or by your one coffee order. 

A relationship starts as a slow burn and ends in a dimming flame. You can blow it out, but the ash can still burn. Break-ups are common and your feelings are valid. Those who matter won’t make you feel ashamed for feeling.

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