How Many Chances Should You Give Someone and Why Our Intuition Never Lies

There’s nothing more frustrating than watching a new match go from great banter status to red flag alerts. Whether our new text buddy came from an app or from the corner of a bar, the prospect of a date fills us with bubbly anticipation. The texting vibes started out immaculate with cheeky sarcasm and flirty texting before the first date. A date seems logical after a day or two of smirking at your phone. 

Yet as you edge closer to making a date, their texts send mixed signals up your spine. A date is still possible, but now the bubbling anticipation is becoming flat. Depending on your date preferences, different questions or statements can shoot amber alerts into the sky. Texting red flags are asking for your Instagram before you meet, a lack of initiative to plan a date or one-sided conversations. The banter is now a solo race to the finish line. Your gut churns with hesitation, but with a slow season of dates, you wonder if this is your chance to go on one.

It could be a chance, or it might be you learning how to recognize red flags earlier on. After taking the time to learn from our past dates and relationships, practicing them in real-time can be unsettling. Dating within our new healthy boundaries and actively sharing them takes courage. It’s natural to overthink when faced with a similar obstacle we used to duck under. Now, with a new date on the horizon, we must find the balance between being too picky or too open-minded.

Do we go on the date and give them one more chance? Or do we pass on the date trying to listen to the lessons of our past? 

The answer lies within our intuition. Every feeling we have while we date, good or bad, is a compilation of our past dating experiences. Each situation or date has taught us what traits we like in a person and the dating actions that don’t serve us. Recognizing mistakes and lessons is half the battle. The last charge that wins the war is when we practice them on dates, or even before. It’s finding a mind and heart-connection that gives us a broader sense of self-awareness.

Listening to our gut is difficult. We’re the only ones who can choose to listen to it. We can seek advice and validation from friends and mentors, but we make the last call. When we’re texting with a potential new date, being ourselves is crucial. Mastering the art of not overthinking every text and saying what comes to mind is a major win. But we can always grow our skills by sending a boundary text, kindly. Instead of focusing all the attention on how we send the text, emphasis the match’s responses. Do they respect our boundaries or needs? 

Let their answer guide your intuition. If you’re struggling to strike an intuitive balance, here are three pre-date red flag scenarios to help you make your date decision.

Your potential date asks you a question that you’re not comfortable answering yet, or are not interested in. 

The questions can be heavy, such as your last relationship. Or it can be as simple as asking for your Instagram handle. For example, sharing your Instagram is personal to you. You may reserve it for people that you’re close to or prefer to meet people in person first before following each other on Instagram. Take a second to see how you feel. Will sharing the handle make you feel good, or will you feel disappointed in yourself for not sticking by your boundaries? When faced with a question you don’t want to answer yet, say you’d like to go on a date to get to know each other first. If their response is unsupportive of your boundary, you have your answer.

You are the only one putting effort into planning a date. 

Both players should participate in making a date plan. Not only are there two schedules and neighborhoods being discussed, but each person should show interest in making the date work. On hetero dates, the societal norm is for the man to make the date. This doesn’t mean women can’t ask a man out—it can be incredibly empowering. Gender aside, despite who initially asks, all parties should try to make the date official. If you’re the only one reeling in the fish, they may be repleting your chances. Are your blue texts filled with question marks and the greys weighed down with periods? 

They keep rescheduling the date or aren’t confirming until the day of. 

Being left in limbo is the worst place to be. We should feel confident going on a date. Their wishy-washy approach is a sign of their lack of initiative. Any relationship shouldn’t start with uncertainty. After multiple reschedules and late confirmations, too many chances have been given. Stand up for your boundary and help yourself out of limbo. 

Trusting your intuition by leaning into what will make you feel the most empowered will help you make the right decision. Honoring your healthy boundaries isn’t being too picky. We can keep an open mind while going on dates that align with our personal needs. Saying yes to a date only because you haven’t had one in a while is ignoring the work you’ve done. Give yourself permission to listen to yourself. Your gut decision is the right decision.

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